So, today was horrifying. I use that word a lot. I think it’s because when I think of how to best describe that sickening feeling I carry inside every day, that’s the word that always finds its way to me. And because I can’t possibly explain the reasons for it at this late hour (lest I relive it), let’s focus on that word rather than the horror itself, shall we? Just for funsies.
Game show host: ‘For the win, correctly answer the following: ‘Describe that feeling deep inside that you wake up with each day when you realize where you are, and what your life has become.’
Me: (whispering)…um, horrifying?
Game show host: You’ll have to speak up louder than that for our studio audience and for our viewers at home, Wife!
Me: (yelling, with mic feedback) HORRIFYING?!
Game show host: Correct! Congratulations. You’re the winner of…wait, that can’t be right. (Confers with a producer while covering his mic with his hand) Well, it seems you win a lifetime supply of misery. Congratulations!
Me: (awkwardly) Wait. Um…what?
Awkward silence. Scattered claps from the studio audience. Someone coughs. Fade out.
During a violent storm raging on the sea, me and the babies cling to each other in a lifeboat. The S.S. HorrorShow is beginning to pull away. I yell out ‘Honey, how can you just leave us here like this?’ Captain Honey yells back ‘What? I said I would put money into your account every Friday.’’ And he accelerates away.
The horrific gifts from Honey’s abandonment just keep coming. Like those half-dead mice the cat leaves on your doorstep every morning. At least the CAT means well.
Monday: (sighing) Oh, look, another one. Aw, thanks kittenhead! But no more dead mice. Really.
Tuesday: Oh, wow. Good morning, blood stained doormat.
Wednesday: Oh God. This one’s twitching.
Thursday: Really, that’s enough. I’m good. I’m all set.
Friday: Good morning, beautiful world! It’s going to be a beau…what? What the? DAMNIT!!
Saturday: I can’t even.
Sunday: (sighing heavily) You know, maybe this will be the last day of the horror. Oh, nope. Yep. That’s entrails right there.
Aaaand that’s my life.