I pooped a bank account.

Doesn’t it seem as though cheaters can’t face the music, even when the reality of what they’ve done is staring them in the face? They provide a reality substitute (reality lite, now with 40% less truth!) and stupidly expect others to hop on board. In a relationship, you’re somehow expected to believe they slept in their car when it was 20 below or some other absurdity they spew. But what if they tried that nonsense in the workplace? Let’s drop in on Hutchins again, and see how that works out for him…or doesn’t.

Boss Lady: Hutchins, I called you into my office today because we have a problem. You’ve called in sick for 20 of the last 27 workdays. A member of the staff said they saw you yesterday working at the Donahue Law Firm downtown when you were scheduled to be working here. Are you working somewhere else, and if so, why not do the fair thing and give us notice so everyone on our staff isn’t scrambling to handle your caseload?

Hutchins: No, I was sick. (cough, cough)

Boss Lady: I see. Well, you’ve put me in an impossible position here. At the very least I expected an explanation, not just more lies.

Hutchins: Ok, you know what? You’re right, I’m sorry. You caught me. But I’m not working somewhere else, I’ve never even heard of Donahue Law Firm. I really did have good reasons for being out so much this month.

Boss Lady: Okay, let’s hear it.

Hutchins: Well, for example, I accidentally got on a plane.

Boss Lady: To…where? How is that even possible?

Hutchins: And my entire neighborhood flooded.

Boss Lady: You live on a hillside. Your view of the city is breathtaking.

Hutchins: I also got stuck in a blood pressure cuff machine at the Rite Aid one day.

Boss Lady: I see.

Hutchins: And my cat is diabetic and I needed to get insulin for him.

Boss Lady: You don’t have a cat.

Hutchins: Then there was that day my garage door wouldn’t open.

Boss Lady: Uh huh.

Hutchins: Also, I eloped.

Boss Lady: Congratulations?

Hutchins: We got it annulled.

Boss Lady: How tragic.

Hutchins: And there was that time I was bit by a mongoose.

Boss Lady: Where would one even encounter a mongoose in the city?

Hutchins: Then there was a huge spider on my shower curtain, and I’m deathly afraid of spiders so I needed a mental health day to deal with the experience.

Boss Lady: You poor thing. Have you recovered from the trauma?

Hutchins: There was also the time that my cervix was hurting.

Boss Lady: You’re male.

Hutchins: Oh and one time my in-dash breathalyzer wouldn’t allow me to start the car.

Boss Lady: Now THAT I believe.

Hutchins: My landlord told me he heard a hit man was after me.

Boss Lady: Also believable, knowing you as I do.

Hutchins: And my llama was puking.

Boss Lady: When did you get a llama?

Hutchins: My hair also really hurt that one day.

Boss Lady: Your hair?

Hutchins: And my toe got caught in a faucet.

Boss Lady: Now THAT’S some imagery.

Hutchins: And once I blew my nose so hard that I knocked my back out.

Boss Lady: Happens to everyone.

Hutchins: I couldn’t find my shoes.

Boss Lady: You only own one pair?

Hutchins: The ghosts in my house kept me up all night for like a week straight.

Boss Lady: Oh, yeah. Happens to me all the time.

Hutchins: Then my cat unplugged my alarm clock.

Boss Lady: Again, you don’t have a cat.

Hutchins: Oh, and I pooped a bank account. Had to be out three days for that one. There was poop and coins everywhere.

Boss Lady: That doesn’t make sense.

Hutchins: And then once I forgot what day of the week it was.

Boss Lady: That’s where that fancy company phone comes in. It says the day of the week on the screen the minute you open it.

Hutchins: The writing is too small to read.

Boss Lady: It’s an Iphone 10, Hutchins. The screen is the size of a dinner menu.

Hutchins: Well, that’s debatable. But there was also that time I fell asleep with my hand in bread dough and it got baked into a loaf.

Boss Lady: I can’t even respond to that.

(Hutchins’ Iphone rings, he quickly pockets it)

Boss Lady: The screen on that thing is so big it can be seen from space. I’m not blind. It said Donahue Law Firm.

Hutchins: No it didn’t. It said Barlikoff’s Bakery. Maybe you need a new pair of glasses.

Boss Lady: I don’t need glasses, I need a drink.

Hutchins: Well, maybe all that day drinking is what’s making you hallucinate and be so suspicious.

Boss Lady: Aaaaaand….you’re fired.

Hutchins: What? You can’t fire me! I’ll have Donahue Fi- I mean Jones Law Firm – file a lawsuit! I’ll take you for everything you’ve got!

Boss Lady: Well, good luck with that. Seeing as how you’ve become a human cash dispensary, you’ll have plenty of money get on the right plane, hire a flood restoration crew, buy your own blood pressure cuff, treat your diabetic cat,  get your garage door fixed, find romance again, buy mongoose insurance, overcome Arachnophobia, have a sex change so your cervix can actually hurt, sober up, go into protective custody under a new name, buy your llama some Pepto, see a hair stylist, call a plumber specializing in digit removal, see a chiropractor, buy a second pair of shoes, hold a seance, put your cat up for adoption, have a colonoscopy, buy a calendar and some fine print readers, and STILL have enough money to sue our law firm using that lawyer you’ve never heard of.

Hutchins: How…rude! (Hutchins storms out)

Boss Lady: (Sighs)…I need a day off.


With the exception of the excreted bank account, all of these excuses were found googling ‘worst excuses for calling in sick to work’. They all really happened. Weep bitterly for humanity but laugh deeply, Dear Readers!


1 reply »

  1. It really is remarkable how cheater behavior under any other circumstances would be unacceptable behavior, even criminal in some cases. 😬


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