It occurred to me today that when Honey calls on Skype and does his sickeningly sweet and nauseating ‘Ohhhh…you guys look great! I miss you guys! I love you guys!’ I’m always running translations in my head through a filter in the next room. In my brain, I hear…
‘You guys look great!’ = I didn’t have to do any of the heavy lifting, mind you, which entails all that behind the scenes stuff like haircuts, exhaustive nightly teeth-brushing episodes, the shopping for and cooking of your healthy meals, laundering those clothes you’re wearing, or making sure you’re well rested! I just want to enjoy the fruits of someone else’s labor (and not even pay them the support I was ordered to anymore) and enjoy this tiny slice of reality through a plexiglass screen! What?! You were up half the night with a fever, buddy? Wow! Had no idea!
I miss you guys! = I do, no really. I mean, sure, not enough to visit you for more than 4 days of the past 27 months, but I mean it! What? WHY can’t I get there? Oh, it’s complicated. Grown up stuff, you see. My leg is chained to a radiator and I positively CAN’T get away. But I sure wish I could, baby girl! Darned radiator! Not my fault. Just have to go on missing you.
I love you! = Well…um…there are DEGREES of love, you see. I love you, but there’s just a couple people in the spots above you on that list, guy. Like me. And my girlfriend. Yes, I chose to live next to her instead of living next to you, but um…I had to, because of love. That’s a good reason, right buddy? You couldn’t get mad at Daddy for that, could you Baby Girl? What’s that? Oh, why didn’t my love for you make me live next to you then? Well…um…you see….ummmmmm……hey, is that juice you got there, buddy? Is it apple?Is it goooooood?