It occurred to me today that when Honey calls on Skype and does his sickeningly sweet and nauseating ‘Ohhhh…you guys look great! I miss you guys! I love you guys!’ I’m always running translations in my head through a filter in the next room. In my brain, I hear…
‘You guys look great!’ = I didn’t have to do any of the heavy lifting, mind you, which entails all that behind the scenes stuff like haircuts, exhaustive nightly teeth-brushing episodes, the shopping for and cooking of your healthy meals, laundering those clothes you’re wearing, or making sure you’re well rested! I just want to enjoy the fruits of someone else’s labor (and not even pay them the support I was ordered to anymore) and enjoy this tiny slice of reality through a plexiglass screen! What?! You were up half the night with a fever, buddy? Wow! Had no idea!
I miss you guys! = I do, no really. I mean, sure, not enough to visit you for more than 4 days of the past 27 months, but I mean it! What? WHY can’t I get there? Oh, it’s complicated. Grown up stuff, you see. My leg is chained to a radiator and I positively CAN’T get away. But I sure wish I could, baby girl! Darned radiator! Not my fault. Just have to go on missing you.
I love you! = Well…um…there are DEGREES of love, you see. I love you, but there’s just a couple people in the spots above you on that list, guy. Like me. And my girlfriend. Yes, I chose to live next to her instead of living next to you, but um…I had to, because of love. That’s a good reason, right buddy? You couldn’t get mad at Daddy for that, could you Baby Girl? What’s that? Oh, why didn’t my love for you make me live next to you then? Well…um…you see….ummmmmm……hey, is that juice you got there, buddy? Is it apple?Is it goooooood?
Oh! This is so sickening but your translations add such humor (you almost have to have humor to endure this kind of shit.) Stay strong.
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I might start missing his calls. I wonder if your kids would notice if they didn’t talk to him for weeks on end?
What happened with your child support enforcement case?
You are so funny. I am sure that one day he will wake up and miss the funny you and your awesome kids. Fuck that asshole.
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Love you, someone.
Love you too. Seriously. And I know this is not the right (whatever) thing to feel, but I really hope he lives to regret his decision. And I am 100% sure he will. What are the chances he will spend the rest of his days happy with the stripper? Very, very slim, I tell you. Just no way that’s going to happen. She’s a novelty, that’s all. She doesn’t sound like a smart or interesting person at all. I remember you said in one of your early posts that he has a pretty solid sense of humor. Once the new smell goes away, he’s going to feel soooooooooo empty and miserable and miss having someone cool and funny.mAnd then he’ll cheat on this poor cow. Sounds like a mess to me. Much better to be you then him.
I wish you had a post every day. I love your writing so much.
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I agree with Alice. I’m someone who follows the straight and narrow pretty rigidly but in this case I think I’d miss the calls. Do you really think he’d even care if he missed talking to them? Would the kids miss talking to him?
My mom told me, years after the fact, that she finally told my dad one day to not bother coming up if he’s was only going to come up for 30 minutes or so. He would call in the morning, announce he was going to come up (he lived about 2 hours from us), and my brother would pace until he finally got to the house. There were three of us and he would ride up on his motorcycle, give us a ride around a block and maybe hang out for a few minutes and then he would be off on his way. Basically, his main objective was to go out and ride his bike. We were just a side stop. And my brother would be a mess afterwards. So finally she told him if that’s all he could do not to bother. I don’t know if that would be right in your situation or not but I’ll toss it out there.