Officiant: Dearly Beloved…we are gathered today here before various random witnesses we grabbed from the .99 cent store next door to join together this man, Honey, and this woman, HomeWrecker, in unholy matrimony.
Marriage is a an honorable estate, instituted and created by that other guy, and is therefore is not to be entered into lightly, or without bourbon. Have either of you been offered information that suggests that the person you are marrying today may be…let’s see, how can I put this….less than honorable?
HomeWrecker: (Shuffling feet) Uh, nope.
Officiant: You sure no one’s tried to give you a head’s up about the character of this man?
HomeWrecker: I said no. Wait…what did you mean when you said ‘the other guy?’
Officiant: Really? So no, like, attempted contact by outside parties with critical information about terrible things this person might have done? Nothing?
HomeWrecker: I said NO. Moving on.
Officiant: (clearing throat) Well, it’s your funeral…er…uh, I mean wedding. To those gathered here today to witness this unholy union, welcome.
Honey: (interrupting) Excuse me, sir. I believe you meant to say ‘holy’ union.
Officiant: That’s what I said. I just don’t think you could hear me over your loud clothing and obnoxious cologne.
Honey: I hardly think that’s appropr—
Officiant: Don’t you tell ME about what’s appropriate, boy. I’ve been around for a long, long year, and I’ve seen every wicked and inappropriate thing you’ve ever done. In fact, it’s why I’m here. BIG fan.
Honey: Wait, what’s your name? You’re not the wedding officiant we originally booked…
Officiant: Oh, he’s out sick today. Something about the bubonic plague. Anyway, never mind my name. Perhaps what’s puzzling you is just the nature of my game, but no matter. I’m here for you. Let’s just get these pesky vows out of the way, shall we? I’m sure since you’ve already stood before the other guy and made the same promises…twice…that you’ve got this part memorized. So, you first, Honey. Face the walking embodiment of your bad decision-making, hold her hand, and make some empty promises. G’head.
Honey: (annoyed) I, Honey, take you HomeWrecker to be my wife, my partner in life, and my one true love. I ‘ll love you tomorrow just as much as I love you today. I will cherish you forever, or until I get bored, whichever comes first.
HomeWrecker: Um, did you just say ‘until you get bored’?
Honey: I know I’ve made this promise a couple other times in my life, but I really mean it this time. So I promise to be there for you in sickness and in health, until death do us part, or until I get bored, whichever comes first, so help me God.
Officiant: Pffffft. ‘So help me God’. Don’t make me laugh. You didn’t even invite Him to be here today. HomeWrecker, would you like to try to top Honey’s poetic musings with some vows of your own?
HomeWrecker: Wow. Uh, ok. Let’s see. I have them written down here somewhere (grabs a Chalupa wrapper from inside her bra) I, HomeWrecker, take you, Honey, to be my husband, my partner in life, and my one true love. I will trust you and honor you, and I will point and laugh with you at the crater that our love bomb has created in the lives of others. I will love you faithfully, or until you piss me off and make me unleash a crazy unstable stripper on your ass that’ll make you wish you’d never been born. As I have taken your hand to hold, I have also happily taken that hand from your other children, who may now get in line behind me and mine in all things. Treat me like a queen, or so help you God. Get me a Pepsi.
Honey: So…nice? Such nice vows, Babe.
Officiant: Ah, yes. An eloquent pledge to be sure, HomeWrecker. Now, it’s time for the exchanging of rings. Who has the rings? Barbara! How many times have I told you not to eat those? They’re only for our most special guests. Well, at least there’s one left.
Ok. Honey, do you take HomeWrecker to be your lawfully wedded Wife?
Honey: I…do? I mean, I do.
Officiant: Then repeat after me: With this Funyun, I thee wed.
Do you promise to love, honor, cherish, and protect her, forsaking all others and holding only unto her forevermore?
Honey: Now, could you define ‘forsaking’? Does that have to mean I can’t have a back rub from my co-worker? Or get a lap dance from her co-worker? Because the boundary’s just not clear.
Officiant: No, that means hands off all other females in a sexual way until you die. Or hide it. Just gonna go with hide it?
Honey: Well, obviously. (whispering)…and to be honest, man, HomeWrecker has been a bit on the negative side lately, so I might need to, you know, just get away from the stress of that, if you get my meaning.
HomeWrecker: Negative? I’m standing right here and can hear everything you’re saying. We are in the process of getting married, like, right this minute. I just had your baby! You think you’ve been stressed?!
Honey: Oh no, I just meant I might have to travel for work again, Babe! I’d never cheat on you. You’re the love of my life…ish.
HomeWrecker: Ish?! Ok, look, can we just get the show on the road here? I have an appointment after this to get me and my kids added to your life policy and retirement accounts, and the nacho station is starting to congeal.
Honey: Uh, yah Babe. Sure thing.
Officiant: Well, nothin’ wrong with that, you know. Most people go straight from a wedding ceremony to a lawyer’s office, I mean am I right? Totally normal thing to do. On an unrelated note, Honey, we have a gift for you to mark your special day. Don’t forget to pick it up on the way out.
Honey: Um…thanks I think?
Officiant: Sure thing. There’s 14 strip clubs within 10 miles of here, so we just buy ’em by the pallet. But let’s get back to the ceremony, shall we?
Honey and HomeWrecker, may you never hold one another accountable, but in all things shore up a belief of entitlement and self-centeredness. May you both abide in the joy that comes from the destruction you’ve so freely given to others. And may you always remember that it is your happiness that matters, and God help anyone who would get in the way of that. By the power vested in me I now pronounce you . . . legally hog-tied to a hopelessly disordered human being. You may now kiss your enormous, pulsating, neon-lit red flag.
Honey, HomeWrecker: Wait. Which of us are you talking to?
Officiant: Does it really matter? Y’all are friggin’ doomed. Enjoy the complimentary burger waterfall.
Oh, and Honey, don’t forget to get your marriage license punched on the way out. 4th one’ll be on the house! Anyway, pleased to meet you. Hope you guessed my name.
Artist Credit: Rolling Stones, Sympathy for the Devil. Released 1968 Decca/London Records